Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Special Delivery

(First published 2002)
You have probably received the following e-mail. It comes in many variations, but the object of this letter is to have you fork over your bank account numbers. If you would but do this, friend of Allah, you would be the lucky recipient of 30% of $28,000,000.00. Of course, you are not too stupid, I hope, that you have sent these trustworthy, oh, wait, I meant to say suckworthy gentlemen your bank account numbers. Maybe you have just hit the delete button, or you contacted the CIA or FBI or your ISP to complain. Dumb ideas, all. Let me explain: None of those ideas are effective, and it is boring. I have the perfect solution for this sort of spam….reply "Yes! I will do it." No, I haven’t lost my marbles, but it is a chance to play mind games with smug, egotistical Muslim men who no longer hide their contempt for the rest of us. Read the letter I received, and then read my reply. Note that I haven’t changed the vile spelling and grammatical violations, but I have left them as written.

To The President/Managing Director Dear Sir, Aslam Alukom We want to transfer to overseas ($28,000.000.00) Twenty eight million United State Dollar from a DEVELOPMENT BANK FOR SOUTHERN AFRICA [DBSA]. I want to ask you to quietly look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this money, even an empty a/c can serve to receive this money, as long as you will remain honest to me till the end of this important…. YADA YADA YADA… and at last, the kicker:
...At the conclusion of this business, you will be given 30% of the total amount, 9% for charity home, 60% will be for me, while 1% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred during the process of transferring. I look forward to your earliest reply through my Private email: (Please
send this man some of your thoughts about his banking practices.)
Bestwish and Salaam
Ali Ahmed

So. What's a war-minded 40 year old civvy to do to fight the good fight on the home front? Well, I am doing at least one thing, and I am having a ball. Who knew that war could be a hell of a lot of fun! I feel like I have accomplished something at the end of the day. What I did, was get an email address from an Arab/Islamic web site, where many devoted, deceitful manly Muslims have been writing me. .
There is an interesting history to my name: Jauhara, according to Saudi history was King Fahd's most favored and only slightly beaten 4th wife. I don't remember if he killed her in a blind, but loving rage or not, but it always piques the interest of potential green card alif males in Saudi Arabia. Here is my response:
This message has high priority. Salaam aleikum Ali Ahmed, yes, Pleas to send to me the $28 millions of dollars. We are many of womans who are illegal in saudia arabi, and the funds to be used for fight against Wahhabis and Al-qaeda. We are
10 000 of infidels womans who have turn our back on Islam, and now embrace fully the way of Infidel womans. We curse allah to her face and spit on the loins of Muhammad. May he roast in deepest fires of Nahr. I am not waring any cloths under my abaya. It feels good to be nakid under my abaya. Today i urinate on qu'ran, and wipe myself with the pages, so send to me the 28 000 000 dolars so i may wipe myself better with new qurans. Shukran jazilan. Jauhara, infidel slave in saudi royal house. Did you knkow that Prince abdullah has no manhood? He urinates like imra'a.
Final note: Of course, I don’t use my real name, nor did I register under my real name. I simply torment my Arab pen pals with letters like:
Gee, Khaleed, you would be SOOOOO nice to come home to after putting a long hard day in at the Nuclear Power plant……you get the picture? Too much fun.
Final final note: If you check out at any moment of the day, you might see a flashing banner that has a picture of the WTC burning with the caption "WE MAKE NEWS AT ARABIA.COM." I just wonder what they mean by that. Just so there’s no question as to why we fight these

(The banner has probably changed since I first posted this article at


  1. Jauhara,
    I loved this post.
    Under normal circumstances I am a gentle an rather lazy human being.
    There's something in Islam ...something that transforms into a feral savage.

    .. don't remember if he killed her in a blind, but loving rage ...

    I am sure he could never forgive her soul for forcing him into killing her.

  2. Ha! Look at what you made me DO! I think that is the common scream among the feral savages!

  3. BRILLIANT! Pure genius. I think I will send off a few emails to Saudi Arabia myself! Brilliant!
    Thanks for the best belly laugh of the year to date!!!


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