Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Sitting Down to Write myself a letter

I have pretty much had it with the spam in my mailbox from people whose second language is either French, English or Dutch. So I have decided to answer all the requests for bank account numbers and other useless information with the following letter:

Here is the letter I received from Jerry Mickey:


It is my precious time to thank you once again after all well done transaction
with your partnership and your co operation you provided to made it sucessful.
I remain royal to you, as you pleaded me to always be in contact with you in any
available transaction.
Because of your faithfulness,i will not further more to make a contact with
anyone else,despite you because you have done so great to recall.
I hereby writting to let you know about another bigger transaction that worth the
sum of NINE HUNDRED AND EIGTHY FIVE THOUSAND U.S DOLLAR.
I have made every possible arrangement,so what left for you to do is to
contact my secretary in BENIN,His name is MR AKUDO AKUDO .Email:akudo_1000@yahoo.fr
Send him your directly information as follows for fast delivery.
YOUR FULL NAME:
YOUR ADDRESS:
YOUR PICTURE:
YOUR PHONE NUMBER:
YOUR SEX:
YOUR SIGNATURE:
Remember to let me know immeditely after you have done that because the greater joy is ahead of us as you have just experinced the beginning for the past transaction.
Yours faithful partner
HON DUKE MADSON

CONTACT HIM FOR ANOTHER TRANSACTION.


And here is my, ummm, reply:

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry....
In between the lines of all that gobbledy gook there was a message in there somewhere, and I am only too happy to respond:

We have a very large and expanding business. You might just want to invest heavily in this company before it goes public, and then any schmuck will walk in off the streets and invest! Have I got a sweet deal for YOU, my brother!

Our company buys and sells children! No. We aren't another adoption agency. We sell multi-purpose children. Children for their organs, their stem cells, their brain cells. Let me tell you, sir, that a 2 year old girl has more eggs in her teeny tiny ovaries than any 40 year old lady. So we can grow our own children. Think of it. No registrations, no birth certificates, no identities. Only endless supplies of kids for all your wants and needs! Yes sir. We also sell children for scientific experimentation, which means that PETA whole-heartedly endorses our endeavours and is HEAVILY invested. No more cruel experimentation on sad-eyed puppies and fluffy bunnies.

Our multi-use children are also pressed into manufacturing processes, especially in China, where, because of a one-child per family government policy that is strictly enforced, the child labour market is wide open! And WE GET THE BULK OF THE BUSINESS! And because they are OUR children, they don't require payment to parents. You simply cannot lose investing with us! But that's not all!

Even defective children have proven useful for the ever increasing Child Sex Travel Tours currently enjoying favor in exotic locales like Thailand, Guatemala and the Netherlands.

We also refurbish those children who have been exhausted sexually and use them as nutritional fillers in high quality, high-end pet food production. Our pet foods guarantee a silky, shiny, healthy coat and brighter eyes than mere dog chow.

We think you'll agree with us, that the Multi-Purpose Child Industry is the wave of the future. You'd be a real sap not to invest with us!

I think that's an offer you can't refuse!

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