Thursday, August 30, 2007

Life is so Complicated

You simply have to watch the trailers of this film. There is even a COLORING BOOK!

This is the title character of the Korean animated film, "Doggy Poo". I have a lot of questions about what might be wrong with South Korean society...don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with a culture where they eat DOGS....per se, but really....this is ...it's...it is just. wrong.
On so many levels. Where to start? Well, I can imagine the poor North Koreans watching this and thinking, "that's one tasty looking turd, there. I wonder if the Dear Leader will allot us more feces than we usually get."
Or maybe they are thinking, "The Dear Leader ALWAYS gets to eat the DOG, while we are stuck eating only the feces! NOT FAIR!" And the specter of feces, I mean food riots breaking out in Pyongyang seem almost promising. At least one hopes.

Oh well, a hilarious and mercifully brief synopsis of this 2003 movie can be found HERE, and try not to spew anything hot at the computer....I take no responsibility.

Speaking of which, Throbert's cat's poo found his purpose! (scroll down the page a bit)


While I don't dislike Korean cuisine, per se..... I draw the line at the North Korean cat poo recipe pictured above. There are some ethnic foods that are just. never. kosher.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Sitting Down to Write myself a letter

I have pretty much had it with the spam in my mailbox from people whose second language is either French, English or Dutch. So I have decided to answer all the requests for bank account numbers and other useless information with the following letter:

Here is the letter I received from Jerry Mickey:


It is my precious time to thank you once again after all well done transaction
with your partnership and your co operation you provided to made it sucessful.
I remain royal to you, as you pleaded me to always be in contact with you in any
available transaction.
Because of your faithfulness,i will not further more to make a contact with
anyone else,despite you because you have done so great to recall.
I hereby writting to let you know about another bigger transaction that worth the
sum of NINE HUNDRED AND EIGTHY FIVE THOUSAND U.S DOLLAR.
I have made every possible arrangement,so what left for you to do is to
contact my secretary in BENIN,His name is MR AKUDO AKUDO .Email:akudo_1000@yahoo.fr
Send him your directly information as follows for fast delivery.
YOUR FULL NAME:
YOUR ADDRESS:
YOUR PICTURE:
YOUR PHONE NUMBER:
YOUR SEX:
YOUR SIGNATURE:
Remember to let me know immeditely after you have done that because the greater joy is ahead of us as you have just experinced the beginning for the past transaction.
Yours faithful partner
HON DUKE MADSON

CONTACT HIM FOR ANOTHER TRANSACTION.


And here is my, ummm, reply:

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry....
In between the lines of all that gobbledy gook there was a message in there somewhere, and I am only too happy to respond:

We have a very large and expanding business. You might just want to invest heavily in this company before it goes public, and then any schmuck will walk in off the streets and invest! Have I got a sweet deal for YOU, my brother!

Our company buys and sells children! No. We aren't another adoption agency. We sell multi-purpose children. Children for their organs, their stem cells, their brain cells. Let me tell you, sir, that a 2 year old girl has more eggs in her teeny tiny ovaries than any 40 year old lady. So we can grow our own children. Think of it. No registrations, no birth certificates, no identities. Only endless supplies of kids for all your wants and needs! Yes sir. We also sell children for scientific experimentation, which means that PETA whole-heartedly endorses our endeavours and is HEAVILY invested. No more cruel experimentation on sad-eyed puppies and fluffy bunnies.

Our multi-use children are also pressed into manufacturing processes, especially in China, where, because of a one-child per family government policy that is strictly enforced, the child labour market is wide open! And WE GET THE BULK OF THE BUSINESS! And because they are OUR children, they don't require payment to parents. You simply cannot lose investing with us! But that's not all!

Even defective children have proven useful for the ever increasing Child Sex Travel Tours currently enjoying favor in exotic locales like Thailand, Guatemala and the Netherlands.

We also refurbish those children who have been exhausted sexually and use them as nutritional fillers in high quality, high-end pet food production. Our pet foods guarantee a silky, shiny, healthy coat and brighter eyes than mere dog chow.

We think you'll agree with us, that the Multi-Purpose Child Industry is the wave of the future. You'd be a real sap not to invest with us!

I think that's an offer you can't refuse!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Five Fatwas for the Best Play of 2007!



Quick, before the PC police take it down, watch the following tidbit of naughty infidel theater....
And please, when you see most of the names involved with this deliciously blasphemous production, note how Jewish many of them sound! This could be genuinely called a Zionist Conspiracy!

I took the liberty of writing down the lyrics for you. Just you go ahead and TRY getting these catchy kitschy little songs out of your head!

Make sure you have emptied your bladders before listening to TURNED AND RAN!

I Wanna Be Like Osama!

I wanna be like Osama
I wanna bomb a path to fame across the earth!
I know people may abhor me, but by God they won’t ignore me
When the CIA determines what I’m worth.
I will delegate the killing to the malleable and willing
But be sure to have top billing when the news gets around,
Please make me like Osama B.
I’ll be Islamically renowned!

I wanna be like Osama
I want aplomb, allure and flair that can convince!
If I hadn’t been so rowdy, they’d have let me stay in Saudi,
But I couldn’t play the big leagues as a prince.
So I film eloquent reminders that the Yanks have yet to find us,
Though we’re happy to attack them on home ground!
Please make me like Osama B.
I’ll be Islamically renowned!

And they will speak of me throughout history,
Oh, what bliss to be al Mansour!
I’ll enact my plan, be the bogeyman!
With a brand new holy war!

I wanna be like Osama
I wanna wear designer clothes beneath a robe!
While my lackeys loom like vultures, I’ll declare a clash of cultures,
Kill civilians by the millions round the globe!
Grow a beard down to my navel, conquer YouTube, get on cable,
And be wealthier than any man I know!
Please make me like Osama B.
With an al Jazeera Show!

Who could ask for more, to be six-foot-four,
Oh, the name Mansour will be known!
And I won’t be missed on the wanted list,
With a jihad of my own! Yes a jihad of my own!

I wanna be like Osama
I want celebrity and riches that astound!
Please make me like Osama B
I’ll be Islamically renowned! I’ll be Islamically renowned!



Turned and Ran

Sacre bleu! Zut alors! I was all for ‘oly War!
But I ‘ad no fire to quench!
My brothers in arms tried to squash my qualms.
But I’m afraid that I’m too French!

So as zay marched to fight ze enemy!
From under ze bed I ‘eard ze charge!
I ‘ad been ‘iding zair all afternoon,
Wis a beret and some fromage!

So zen I teep-toed to ze l’aéroport!
And got on a non-stop flight to Cannes!
While lesser men would fight, I made sure zat I’m all right,
Being French, I turned and ran!

Turned and ran, turned and ran!
Better living as a mouse than die a man!
Sroughout l’histoire, it’s la France’s oldest plan.
Turned and ran, turned and ran, turned and ran!

I didn’t want to fight at all, for fears that I would be blown apart.
I could be a splendid look-out pussier,
But not such a brilliant Bonaparte!
So every day was like an Agincourt.
I fled every time a fight began!
Instead of French terroriste, I would razzer be French kissed,
In ze end, I turned and ran!

Turned and ran, sans regret.
Better lose my dignité zan lose my tête!
I don’t like to burn, I’d razzer turn,
Turned and ran, turned and ran, turned and ran!

So now architecture’s very chic now I’m at ze université!
I only work three days a week
From mid-October to the first of May.
Turned and ran, pas all zat!
No body bags for me, I’ll have baguette!
Will I stand one day, mais no! Jamais!
It simply wouldn’t fit God’s plan!
I turned and ran, turned and ran, turned and ran!