Please continue reading the Cover Your Lame-Ass Disclaimer.
The Following Parody is a Satire Wrapped in a Spoof inside a Plausible but not too likely Event Which could NEVER Happen. Ever! So don't Get Your Panties in a Bunch.
While wasting valuable time on this thread at Little Green Footballs, a very talented apostate poster Bosch Fawstin and Jauhara had a humorous conversation concerning the events going on in England, and a quote from one Doctor Zakir Naik came up, and we all began to make fun of him, quite without his knowledge or permission, of course. The following parody is an edited version of our conversation.
"Good Morning, Haram Food Hotline, This is Jauhara, insolent uncovered woman, what is your craving?"
"This is Dr. Zakir Naik, and I have a craving for some bacon."
"Hey, I know who you are! You're the guy who said, 'The pig is the most shameless animal on the face of the earth. It is the only animal that invites its friends to have sex with its mate. It feels no jealousy. And among people who consume pork, the practice of wife swapping and other forms of promiscuous behavior is common.' You know, we have a saying in the Great Satan. 'It takes one to know one'. So I guess you must be a pig, then! Heh."
"How DARE you speak to me this way! Do you not understand my greatness? No one speaks to me like this!"
"Well, Doc, I just figured that knowing so much about pigs as you do, you either must live with them or else you are one, yourself. But hey, what do I know, I am but a haram and insolent awra. Even so, what can I do for you?"
"I am the famous debater Dr. Zakir Naik, and you have offended me with your statement saying that I am a pig! Why, I am not even remotely Jewish! I am a manly Muslim macho man, and my feelings were deeply hurt and now I am seething with rage. I will complain to someone, just see if I don't!"
"Well, Doc, you are entitled to do anything you want, and that includes being an insufferable pompous ass-holian whack job and a bore. But is there something special I can do for you?"
"Oh, Jauhara. I am so hungry *sobbing* and lonely, and surrounded by all these pork-eaters. I can no longer resist the strong desire I have for just one piece of bacon. I want you to eat a piece of bacon for me."
"Gladly, my Muslim friend. I always have some on hand. Here's a really nicely thick cut piece of juicy, hickory-smoked bacon! I tell you, friend, *munch, munch, munch* it is perfectly okay *lips smacking* for you to eat a piece of bacon. Many happy Saturday and Sunday mornings are shared by friends *licking fingers* and strangers alike in church basements and fire stations all over the Greatest Satan on Earth, eating pancakes and bacon. In fact, NOT eating a piece of bacon is a sign that you don't want to get along with others very well."
"All my life, sweet Jauhara, I have believed deep, down in my inmost core that pigs were the scourge of Allah, but when I see you infidels, uncovered and enjoying the haram bacon, I just, I....I ......can't take it, I tell you!"
"S'Okay, good man. I am eating it for you now.....even as we speak! Mmmmmmmmmmm....*munch* so many happy memories come flooding back *lips smacking* to me when I taste bacon...like camping in a forest with my dad and brothers and sisters, sitting in front of a roaring campfire, with hot pancakes, maple syrup *licking fingers* and hot chocolate! *picking teeth* You know, Z, when you consider that MoHAMmed has Ham in his name, and your average FATwa contains 50% Fat, it seems to me that it would be quite all right to eat just one piece of bacon. Really, you should try it."
"I will, Jauhara. I will, I promise. Bless you, thank you! But...I beg of you...Just please, don't tell the ikhwan."
"Oh, don't worry about them, Z, they're on the other phone lines right now, having their bacon, and not eating, it too!"