Saturday, June 28, 2008

Most Blasphemous Haramfest EVER!

Well, I'm feeling better now, and not on a diet of mush any more. I won't bore you with the details of what would have been a great 25th anniversary for me and my Beloved Immortal, but for a damned abscessed toof. I have no really good recipes for Augmentin™, except for the Vicodin™ chaser and mouthwash cocktail that I imbibed for the better part of a week. But enough about my trivial pains. There's news afoot and people to mock and recipes. All in one offensive article. At least I hope you find it offensive.

It seems that our Friends of the Religion of Peace™ are back in the news. This time, in...guess where....Great Britain, the New Caliphate of Eurabia. Apparently Muslims are offended by bomb sniffing dogs, and really, what isn't offensive to our perpetually outraged offended pietists™ but everything you and I as filthy infidels love and cherish. Like, for example, being accommodating. We just love to accommodate other cultures, and the British, who have replaced their spines with sniveling, grovelling, servitudinous accommodation, are going to scrap the whole bomb sniffing dog capriciousness and find another critter with exquisite olfactory senses to nose out the elusive exploding Muslim - that won't offend the elusive exploding Muslim.

Voila! Pigs are being used now both as nightlights AND bomb sniffers! By Jews! HUH! Well, leave it to the Israelis to set the trend in state of the art bomb detection.

I just can't understand why anyone would think dogs are vile creatures. Just LOOK at this punum! Is she not the epitome of sweetness? (above photo courtesy of Angela....my girlfriend)

How can anyone argue that dogs are not the master race? Look at the neat things they can do! Monkeys, pigs, dogs....all totally haram for the ummah and most useful to the rest of us! Can a goat or a camel ride a trike while balancing lesser mammals on their heads? I don't think so. It was never aired on television, so it probably never ever happened. Only infidel animals can do that sort of thing. You see why there is no progress in Islamic cultures!

Here is how Muslims see dogs. The way they see us. Through MohammedVision™. Indistinguishable. Years and years of demonizing Man's Best Friend have caused them to view the noble canine helpmate of humanity with a truly jaundiced vision. How sad. So. Very very. Sad.

Well, the Koreans don't have ANY problems whatsoever with dogs. Nosirree Bob! In fact, they have a multitude of uses for them, including a heaping plate fulla Bosintang.

Here are some things the Koreans can do with Man's Best Friend...other than frying him or boiling him, that is: From the website: Cuisine of Dogmeat

Dogmeat Food developed by Professor Ann

Digested dogmeat : Dogmeat hydrolyzed by protease
Dogmeat powder : Digested dog meat powder
Dogmeat extract : Water extract of digested dogmeat and medical ingredient
Dogmeat wine : Wine of wax gourd and digested dogmeat fermented by yeast
Dogmeat vinegar : Vinegar of wax gourd and digested dogmeat fermented by
Acetobacter
Dogmeat red pepper paste : Red pepper paste fermented with the addition of
digested dogmeat
Dogmeat soy bean paste : Soy bean paste fermented with the addition of
digested dogmeat
Dogmeat soy sauce : Soy sauce fermented with the addition of digested
dogmeat
Dogmeat-red pepper paste pickle : Dogmeat pickled in red pepper paste
Dogmeat Kimchi : Kimchi fermented with the addition of digested dogmeat
Dog intestine sausage : Dog intestine into which blood of dog, vegetable and
dogmeat are stuffed
Dogmeat can : Canned dogmeat
Dogmeat noodle : Noodle with the addition of digested dogmeat
Dogmeat Chinese noodles : Chinese noodle with the addition of digested
dogmeat
Dogmeat puree : Puree with the addition of digested dogmeat
Dogmeat soup : Soup with the addition of digested dogmeat
Dogmeat beverage : Beverage of the dilution of digested dogmeat
Dogmeat mayonnaise : Mayonnaise from vinegar, digested dogmeat, oil and
egg
Dog oil mayonnaise : Mayonnaise from vinegar, dog oil and egg
Dogmeat ketchup : Ketchup from the mixture of digested dogmeat, tomato
puree
Dogmeat bread : Bread with the addition of digested dogmeat
Dogmeat cooky : Cooky with the addition of digested dogmeat
Dogmeat hamburger : Hamburger pad made of dogmeat
Dogmeat cutlet : Cutlet made of dogmeat
Dogmeat ham : Ham made of dogmeat
Dogmeat sausage : Sausage made of dogmeat
Dogmeat cosmetics : Cream, essence and emulsion made from dog oil;

Of course, you may prefer sampling what comes out of the Kitten Abattoir, instead.

A sample recipe:

Beer Roasted Cat

1 cat cut into roast
1 can of fucking Cream of Mushroom soup (I am not making this up, I SWEAR!)
1 cube of beef bouillon
1 clove of garlic
1 Fine Irish Stout, like Guinness

Cover and soak cat roast in salt water for 24 hours. Drain water and then cover and soak in beer for 6 hours. Drain and place in crock pot with your cans of soup. Add a clove of garlic, and a cube of beef bouillon. If you start to slow cook your cat in the morning with your George Foreman Cooker (or it's ilk), you'll have finely cooked feline in time for supper.

If a slow cooker is not available, a cat can be baked at 350 degrees for 2-3 hours in a conventional oven and still come out pretty good. Beer Roasted Cat is fantastic served with mashed potatoes, collard greens, and fresh, homemade egg rolls. When planning a full meal just remember- cat is a course best served hot!

Cat may not be the most glamorous, or tastiest of game meats, but with a little thought and preparation, Baked Cat can make the belly of the persnicketiest diner glow with home baked goodness.

...or you may prefer the fish, instead.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Apologies


I'd like to apologize to everyone for not posting the last week or so. I have been in agony with a horribly abscessed tooth, and finding a dentist who will pull it on a Friday on short notice is a mighty difficult thing. Finding the dentisst who will pull it is hard, since nowadays, only surgeons are willing to do it, or else they are the only ones who are allowed to do it by law. I was lucky to find a dentist to do it, since a surgeon is likely to be more than 500 dollars or more. My dentist was able to do it one hour later for 140. Thanks!
Writhing in terrible pain for the weekend during my utterly forgettable 25th anniversary is a conversational nonstarter, so...end of topic. I did make a lovely meal for us all on Sunday, and I would describe it here, but...my tooth hole is still quite painful, and I prefer not to do or say much, other than take my penicillin and Tylenol 3 cocktail. Til tomorrow, I'm off to suffer in my bed. Ciao Tutte!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Tonya Greipenweiner, my favorite sock puppet

Hi again, Spencerian Sheeple. My name is Tonya Greipenweiner, and I majored in Middle Eastern Histrionics with a sub-major in Arab Hubris Studies. So I think I am better qualified to comment on this situation than any of you, try as you might. The problem with Robert Spencer and the verbally challenged Hugh Fitzsimmons and his docile minion followers of the semplisme model of prepostmodern dedeconstructualized textification is this, and why you people can't see this, I will never understand:
You all lack the gravitas of penubrian analysis to internalize the teachings of so great a man as John Esposito, who, with the generous funding of more humane and non racist cultures of toleration, has imparted his visionary wisdom and that of his benefactors so well that you can all be dismissed as just so many empty headed blow up dolls in a post coital paradigm. Really, I feel sorry for you all, but clearly, there isn't anyone on these fora who can actually conceptualize critically the absurdist views that I hold so dearly

Heh.

Ode To a Prodigal Child

She skates so elegantly,
On thin ice.
She thought she was pregnant
For a day
But through the mist of woeful, bitter tears
Of buyer's remorse,
She misread the test instructions, and didn't realize she wasn't.
Sigh, I guess.
She'll take her lessons on the rocks.
And belly back up to the bar
For more. Thanks.
The flesh cringes when she's awake.
She is a never ceasing war of unpleasant, unbearable noise.
Her voice cuts - lays low our walls
Of peaceful slumber
Leaving shards of shattered nerves all around,
Casualties in a psych war.
We quit wondering where we went wrong,
And ponder the possibility
That at conception she was planning this whole thing out.
Revenge.
Abortion is not retroactive.
Some cultures would see her throat cut open wide,
Her life drained from her,
No future. No settling. No marriage. No children
Like herself.
But we, we punish ourselves,
By turning gray.
By withering with age more quickly than before.
When she was just a mischievous brat.
Her father, never mindful of his honor,
Keeps a lonely vigil each night,
So that the girl in search of herself
Or something else more fun
Won't.
Still, she tries. And still he waits for her to try.
Never disappointed.
Or surprised. Anymore.


Her friends are all like herself.
A solar system where all the planets gravitate toward each other,
Creating a giant, walking, talking Asshole
Of annoyance where ever it moves in the universe.


She was the one we planned. The one we ordered
From on high, with high hopes.
Dashed, and down in flames.

She had the temerity
To remind me of my own
Prodigal Youth.
But that was different, I say.
HOW?
I was. .... .
Younger. Much. Younger.
HOW?
I was done sowing my oats at...
HOW?
Seventeen.
YEAH?
I see now, where I went wrong.
I should never have told her
About my youth.


Never mind.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Mohammed ar rasul allah, al insan al kamil (PHOTOS!!!)

Oh, for Effin' Allah's sakes! Mohammed is once again unhappy that his image is tarnished by "artists"....there is just no pleasing SOME Prophets Who Shall Not Be Named, I swear! First some Danish guys draw some bland cartoons...which in itself is quite offensive to me, since I think cartoons are meant to be insulting, unless you are in Family Circle Hell Hole Time-Life Discontinuum, and then they are meant to be offensively bland.

Here we see Mohammed, in a Not So Prophet like state, hardly Prophet like at all, in fact. Image is everything with the Religion of Peace™, and you can't expect the Prophet to be seen just emerging from his cave after coitus with one of his granddaughters, and/or goats, now, can you? So, we, the west, the most accommodating of all peoples on the planet, STRIVE, we STRIVE to please. After all, we only want to be loved! Is that so wrong?


So another cartoonist tries, valiantly, but just falls short of the mark.


And yet another lamely tries, only to fail in a less than spectacular way.

Aaaaah, we are closer to the mark! We are getting there. I feel my Spidey Senses Tingling like thigh hairs on Chris Matthews' legs.

At LAST! We have arrived! Behold your Prophet, ye Peaceful Sons of Allah, and Rampage no more! Is not the Prophet, Uswa hasana, insan al kamil, the most Perfect Human Being, terrible and wondrous to behold?

Monday, June 9, 2008

Chag Shavuot Sameach! Happy Shavuot!

When I was young, it was drilled into my head, as early as I can remember, that we were not Jew Haters. My father and mother read to us from the Old Testament more frequently than the New Testament....which was a Sunday Thing. But no toleration of Jew Hatred was allowed. We weren't allowed to say nigger, either, because Dad played jazz, and his heroes were all black men and women. Sarah Vaughan was his one true love....mom was certain of that.
We spent a lot of time memorizing the Ten Commandments and trying our best to live them out in our daily lives.

Still, we have no holiday that commemorates the Giving of the Law to Moses By God. I wish we did, because the celebratory eating, alone would be enough to make me convert!

Sadly ironic, then, how the ACLU - which has a large number of Jewish lawyers as members, have done their utmost to banish those commandments from public view and discourse. In Israel, on the other hand, it is celebrated. With joyous abandon.

As I was meandering on the web to find an appropriate thought that might be relevant to all on Shavuot, I came across The Grateful Rabbi, with a lovely thought on what to say as a tribute for a good dinner. Although I have linked to his site, I am going to post it here, as well, with a ping of gratitude to him.

"LASOVAH" - A Jewish "Bon Appétit"

It is quite amazing how one word can capture an entire spiritual world outlook! In the course of our required daily routine of eating, often the salutation shared with the table is-"Bon Appetit!" What is wished for is that we enjoy and experience a hearty and healthy appetite, that the food we eat is consumed with relish, with taste buds bursting with flavor and every morsel filling us with pleasure. Needless to say, a good appetite is not always to be taken for granted. The ill, the elderly, not infrequently suffer from an absence of appetite that brings much sadness and frustration to their lives. Appetite is certainly a physiological , sensual even psychological capacity for which to be grateful.
The Hebrew language has two different words that are used as expressions of culinary greeting.
One, "Be'teiavon," meaning "with appetite," or one could say, with gusto and strong desire. This reflects the mind set of most people.It is synonymous with the above mention term-"bon appetit." Whenever I hear this wish expressed at my table, I am always reminded of a different Hebrew expression that suggests something of great spiritual importance. I am not referring to formal blessings prior to eating or drinking; this is an established practice among those who are religiously oriented. The word I have in mind is likewise articulated by those of a traditional religious inclination, a word that hearkens back to the Biblical mandate for the Grace After Meals. "La'Sovah"-to satisfaction is the salutation that bears with it the hope that the food to be eaten be a source of a satisfying experience leaving one thankful and grateful. The phrase in Deuteronomy-"You shall eat, be satisfied and bless the Lord" is implied in this one word that is derived from the second of the three activities indicated in this Mitzvah, in this religious act- Eat, be satisfied, bless.
Thus, the wish for a satisfying meal points less to our own personal, sensual experience and more to the Source of our gift of food with the awareness of being grateful and satisfied with the food that is available to us. Again, the blessing and the wish of "la'sovah"-may you experience contentment and gratefulness-is another everyday way by which to cultivate an enriching sense of gratefulness in our lives.
LA'SOVAH!
I am told that mostly dairy recipes rule the day....which means cheesecake, of course. Two recipes that I saw HERE were intriguing enough to be included in today's Holiday Meal for Gentiles Who Envy Jewish Holidays:


From the Website Holiday Eats, a nice, refreshing bowl of Cold Zucchini Soup

Ingredients
2 lb. zucchini
3 c vegetable soup broth
1 T chopped marjoram (fresh)
2 T butter
2 T flour
2 c milk
1 c heavy cream
handful of chopped parsley (for garnish)
salt and pepper to taste

Directions
Trim, wash and slice zucchini. Cook in saucepan with broth and marjoram until tender (about 15-20 minutes). Puree.

Melt the butter in small sauté pan and add flour. Whisk constantly for 2-3 minutes until thickened. Remove from heat. Cool slightly and add milk. Return to flame and continue cooking for approximately 10 minutes, whisking frequently, until flour is completed dissolved. Add salt and pepper to taste and pour mixture into zucchini broth.

Chill thoroughly. Stir in cream before serving. Garnish with parsley.

And maybe some dessert pancakes, too!


Cottage Cheese Pancakes

Ingredients
2 T butter
1 c all-purpose flour
1 t baking powder
1/4 t baking soda
1-2 T sugar
4 eggs
16 ounces cottage cheese

Directions
Mix together all dry ingredients. In a separate bowl, mix eggs and add cottage cheese until smooth. Add to dry ingredients and blend well.

Melt butter in frying pan and drop spoonfuls of batter into hot pan. Flip when pancake starts to bubble.

This sounds like a good substitute for short cake.

Of course, gentile that I am, what dairy product would best exemplify my own personal tribute?

Banana Coconut cream pie, of course! No recipe to follow...just a lovely picture, sorry.


La'sovah, Indeed!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

McDonald's in Araby



I hope his combo was better than mine was the other night. My fries were stale and cold and my hamburger was burnt. Which is why we cook out. Tonight we had a lovely Haramfeast of Giant's Pub Style Burgers



....they are made in the butcher shop with the most delicious ingredients. Portabello mushroom and mozzarella cheese stuffed burgs and bacon and cheddar stuffed burgs. You can get 'em with blue cheese and steak sauce, chili, cajun seasonings, Italian or Greek.

All of which went well with McCain's Sweet Potato Fries.



Toss the fries with a little oil and spread evenly on a cookie sheet. Bake in a preheated 450 degree oven, and about 9 minutes into baking, sprinkle a mixture of light brown sugar and cayenne pepper over the fries. Return to the oven and bake for another 9 minutes or so. Keep an eye on them, they may get sticky and black on the bottom if you aren't careful.



And of course, we had corn on the cob. This was a nice simple dinner. If you don't have a Giant Food Store, then you can probably make these burgers yourself. I like them made at the butcher shop, because with the discount card, it is actually cheaper than trying to make them, yourself.

While surfing around on YouTube, and I always keep my eyes open for interesting talents. She reminds me of Joni Mitchell.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Haramfest alla Puttanesca!



Pardon me, while I get myself dolled up for dinner. We are having Spaghetti alla Puttanesca!
You have to hand it to those creative Italians. NOTHING is off the table, so to speak, even the putta.


...and do not to forget the garlic bread


My recipe is sort of an ongoing quest for deliciousness. The first time I made this, the hubster came in and, well, this is the face he made, when he thought I was making a standard, bland Tuna Noodle Hot Dish (what you get on Sundays after church under the auspices of the Gargantuan Weeping Christ Lutheran Ladies Auxiliary Club of Great Falls, Montana.)

Yes, he thought it was going to be dull and boring, until he ate some Puttanesca. He liked it, Mikey, He really liked it! And that is because it was very easy and quick to make and oh. so. delicious.

Here is my recipe, based probably upon a thousand others. The good thing about pasta dishes, is that there are endless possibilities to alter and improve them.

Ingredients:

1 lb thin spaghetti, boiled al dente in salty water
4 cans Star Kist Gourmet Choice Yellowfin Tuna in garlic and extra virgin olive oil
(This is fantastic stuff, since a tiny jar of Tonno Siciliano is well over 8 bucks at our grocery. I am using the tuna in roasted garlic. It is much better tasting than tuna in water, even the albacore. And it is so much cheaper than the imports. Thanks, Starkist!)
1 pint of grape tomatoes, halved
1 half bag of Bird's Eye Frozen Zucchini and Squash blend
1 can or jar of olives, black preferably
1 small jar of capers
1 jar of marinated artichoke hearts
1 jar of fire roasted sweet peppers
1 tsp of red pepper flakes
1 cup Vermouth or white wine
1 half stick butter
3 Tbsp olive oil
juice from one lemon
3 cloves of garlic, minced (I use jarred roasted garlic - one heaping spoon full)
Chopped fresh basil, parsely and dill

Melt butter and olive oil together in a large skillet over medium heat and add garlic. Add vermouth or wine, tuna, tomatoes, frozen vegetables, artichoke hearts, capers, olives, peppers and red pepper flakes. Stirring constantly, cook everything til it is heated through. Squeeze lemon juice and toss spaghetti in thoroughly. Add a little more olive oil or butter. Salt and pepper to taste. Add chopped herbs, a good tablespoon of each, and toss once more and serve. Hubster is happy! Putta is happy. Even the youngest finicky child is happy!

Something to whet your appetite:

Monday, June 2, 2008

The New Sultan of Swing.



Tonight's REAALLLY Haram Haramfest involves a savory dish of Slapdown. With Take That sauce.

I bring you a Public Service Announcement from One Bad-Ass Uppity Apostate Woman. All I can say about her is DAYAMN! This interview is so meaty and full of quotable nourishment that Wafa may sit back and belch, with satisfaction, Mohammed's vile and greasy essence and laugh. She can also flatulate his essence quite well. So VERRRRRRY fatwa worthy is her commentary: Let us just savor the recipe of putdown pudding, shall we? Pick your teeth with joy my fellow infidelicadoes.

This was from Al Hayat Television in Cyprus. Al Hayat means The Life. In modern Arabic the New Testament is referred to as Al Injeel w'al Kitab al Hayat. The Gospel and the Book of Life. So I am betting this is from a Christian television station in Cyprus.

Wafa Sultan: When I examined the Koran, the hadith, and the Islamic books under a microscope, I came to the absolute conviction that it is impossible – impossible! – for any human being to read the biography of Muhammad and believe in it, and yet emerge a psychologically and mentally healthy person.

[...]

Do you remember the way that [the Prophet Muhammad] killed ‘Asmaa bint Marwan? His followers tore her body apart limb from limb, while she was breastfeeding her child. When they returned to him shouting “Allah Akbar,” he said: “No two goats will lock horns over her.” As you know, goals lock horns over the most inconsequential thing. For Muhammad, however, the killing of a woman while breastfeeding was too trivial a reason for goats “to lock horns over.” Is this a prophet of God?

[...]

It makes me very sad that Al-Jazeera TV allows an insane and terroristic creature like Al-Qaradhawi to use it as a medium for the spreading of his poisons, his terroristic fatwas, and his babbling. The words he used against me incited many young Muslims – who have been brainwashed and blindfolded, and who have been programmed to hate – to rain curses and threats upon me, right after the show in which he discussed my appearance on Al-Jazeera.

[...]

When Islam considers women to be deficient in reason, and I refute this assertion – in that case Islam attacks me, and I am merely attacking back. When Islam calls to kill whoever does not believe in it, and I refute this, in that case Islam attacks me, and I am merely attacking back. I do not attack Islam. I criticize it, but unfortunately, we, the victims of Islamic upbringing, view any criticism as an attack.

[...]

I always focus on the language – the language of Islam. The language of Islam is a negative, dead language, replete with violence, anger, hatred, and racism. Man is the product of language, the outcome of the negative and positive language to which he is exposed in this lifetime. If his life is dominated by negative language, he will emerge as a negative, reckless, and non-productive person, who rejects everything. On the other hand, if positive language dominates his life, he will emerge as a positive, happy, and productive person. This is why the negative language of Islam has failed. It has failed to produce people with a spontaneous and positive outlook. It has produced negative people. If we take a look at Islamic societies, we see what that negative man did.

[...]

I do not view Islam as a religion – according to my notion of religion. Islam is a political doctrine, which imposes itself by force. Any doctrine whatsoever that calls to kill those who do not believe in it is not a religion. It is a totalitarian doctrine that imposes itself by force. When I read, for example, the verse: “The adulterer and the adulteress – flog each of them with a hundred stripes, and do not let compassion for them move you” - I do not discern any spirituality in this verse. Whena certain faith manages to can strip its believers of their last grain of compassion, it strips them of their spirituality as well.

[...]

Jesus Christ is the symbol of peace. He did not carry a sword, chop off heads, or accuse anybody of heresy. The problem in Islam is that if we were to act similarly to the Christians of the Middle Ages, and we were to model our lives after the life, actions, and words of Muhammad, we would find ourselves in an even bigger mess than the one we are in, and we would end up like Osama Bin Laden and his ilk. Read about the life of Muhammad. What do you find there? Nothing but his raids and his wives, in addition to his hadiths, some of which make you shudder. I shudder when I hear the hadith: “A woman’s paradise is under her husband’s foot.”

[...]

The Islamic teachings have become dreadful in the skulls of the Muslims. I see no alternative but to open up these skulls, and to clean the life-threatening cancerous cells in these brains.


[...]

When the Syrian people swarmed the Danish embassy and burned it down, it burned my heart too. Why? The Syrian people is dying of hunger. The Syrians, despite their [ancient] civilization, chase after their daily bread. Why don’t they swarm the palace of their president, who has 40 billion dollars in European bank accounts, and burn down the palace, along with its occupant? They swarmed the Danish embassy, giving the West the wrong image of the moral and civilized Syrian people. Therefore, I describe their conduct as barbaric and backward.


[...]

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is a religious conflict. I support the Palestinian cause. I support the Palestinian children. I lose sleep over the suffering of Palestinian women. I cannot even step on an ant, so how could I possibly be against them? This is inconceivable. This is a political conflict, and they should ask their leaders about what they have done to resolve the problem. But the problem is rooted in religion. A week or two ago, I read a short story in an Islamic book, according to which Muhammad was walking with some of his followers when they heard a commotion. They asked him: “What is this, Messenger of Allah?” He said: “These are the Jews being tormented in the grave.” Regardless of the conflicts Muhammad had with the Jews back then, this statement indicates that the graves of their ancestors were in Saudi Arabia, correct?

Interviewer: Yes.

Wafa Sultan: They are people of this region, as is evident from the Islamic books and the Koran itself.


[...]

The problem with the Muslims is that they do not distinguish between their prophet and their own noses. When you criticize Muhammad, his actions, and his life, it is as if you chopped off their noses.


The Spirit of Asma Bint Warwan lives on!


Wafa Sultan shines the light of truth on Islam