Friday, January 16, 2009

The 2009 Movie Season.....In a World

...well, in Iowahawkland, that is.

Here are my favorites:
Hershey Highway: Based on the Tony Kushner play, a candy factory worker (Joaquin Seymour Gyllenhall) and an Amish teen (John Phillips Sousa Huffnagel) find forbidden pleasure in a poignant love tale set against the gritty backdrop of Pennsylvania’s chocolate belt.

Me Billy: Based on the inspirational true story of a learning disabled man (Sean Penn) who rescues New Orleans from a racist flood with a magical red beer cup.

Oh, Hell No: Martin Lawrence, Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg and Chris Tucker reprise their roles in the surprise hit ‘Big Fat Sassy Grandma’ in this raucously degrading comedy based on the popular urban catchphrase.

Ice Station Wasilla: Global warming unleashes Nixon, McCarthy, and Sarah Palin from a glacial tomb in this stylish post-apocalyptic horror set in Alaska. With Keanu Reeves as Al Gore.

The Royal Fluffers: Lovable band of misfit stoners with Jew-fros trick Queen Elizabeth into filming a porno in this sweet coming-of-age teen fart bong sex comedy from Judd Apatow. Starring Jonah Sethberg, Seth Justinstein, Jay Justin Jonahbluth, Ron Jeremy, and Helen Mirren. (British release titled “On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix”)

Sex And The City II: Hot Flashes. America’s favorite quartet of pre-menopausal Gotham divas return for more breezy mimicking of gay men.

High School Musical 5: Donner Pass Prom Party. Music, love, and cannibalism are in the air as the Wildcat gang gets stranded in the High Sierras. Featuring the hit Zach Cody - Melissa Vanessa duet, “I Never Thought It Could Taste So Good.”

Cold Humpcrack Creekwater: Two retarded gay cowgirl sisters (Rene Zellweger, Traci Lords) defy a fundamentalist sherriff (Chris Cooper) and discover love in this 1930’s period piece set in the Appalachian outback of Nebraskansaw.

Muggers: Jim Carrey, Will Farrell, and Jack Black team up in new comedy about three men who spend 92 minutes yelling and making annoying facial expressions. With Jennifer Aniston as the exasperated woman.

The Red State Menace: Hollywood patriotism returns with a vengeance in this contemporary crime thriller starring George Clooney as an undercover G-Man who infiltrates a Kansas Rotary Club to uncover Republican subversives for the House Un-Obama Activities Committee.

By far, the best movies are all 'themed' after the McCarthy Era of Hollywood blacklists and the endless pity parties and wallowing which have hounded us since then:

Silenced Wood: George Clooney stars and directs in this drama about the climate of fear among liberal ventriloquists during radio’s notorious Charlie McCarthy era.

Fearful Silence: Courageous ‘What’s My Line?’ contestant (Leonardo DiCaprio) refuses to answer panelist questions in this game show drama set against the McCarthy-blacklist era. With Ralph Fiennes as Bennett Cerf and Keith Olbermann as Kitty Carlisle.

Fearful Deadly Fear: Blacklisted 1950’s screenwriter Damon Runyan (Tim Robbins) writes a secret screenplay about the the McCarthy-era blacklists, in this 1950’s blacklist drama set against the background of the McCarthy era blacklists.

Silenced 1984: Acclaimed documentary filmmaker Errol Morris interviews the survivors of Hollywood’s notorious Reagan-era ‘Year of Fear,’ when only three McCarthy-themed movies were released.

Ouch. That's gonna leave a mark. Heh.

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