Sunday, March 28, 2010

Feigning Madness in a Crowded Theater

Once you're on to them, and you figure out their tactics, nothing comes as a surprise. I know whereof I speak. I was a hostage, once. Well, almost. I WOULD have been a hostage if I'd not faked a bout of Aspberghian madness.

Long story short:  When confronted by neighborhood thugs trying to rob you, drop to the ground and either feign death or madness. Death is a bit harder to fake than madness. Save death for dull conversations on blind dates. Slumping in your chair and gasping your last breath can quickly change a boring interlude to something far more interesting and exciting. Trust me. I know whereof I speak. But I digress.

Which brings me to tonight's supper and a Shiny New Conspiracy Theory, posited by my brother. It's a conspiracy theory that sounds so plausible that it might just be an ACTUAL plan. He's pretty smug about it. Almost gloaty, even. Me, I just hope nothing changes and we all stay warm and fuzzy in the neverending reality of Everything's Just Fine.

I should state emphatically that I am really not into conspiracy theories. In fact, I pretty much detest them and their legions of lemmings. Really. Most of the true believers in these crank pseudoreligions all live in trailer parks. So how did they get all this inside information that NO ONE ELSE BUT THEM knows about? And while you're at it, think about this for a moment, too: Most all conspiracy theories involve ZIONISTS of every evil shade:



Hell, nowadays, you  have NAZI ZIONISTS who want to take over the whole wide world and impose their Evil Death Juice™ on everyone.

So excuse me while I piss myself from laughing so hard, but if you drive around Most Parts of the US of A, you will find a bajillion forms of ZION.
Towns, streets, highway exits for MT. ZION road in York, Zion Lutheran Church, Zion Baptist church, so forth and so on. 


Anyone want to guess what a MOUNT ZION Rhino Liner might be used for? I am afraid to ask. I don't even want to know HOW you put a liner inside a rhino, but I'm simple that way.


So if there is any ZIONIST conspiracies here, you can pretty much figure that EEVIL JUICE is behind it, and there's a new church opening somewhere with ZION in its name.


But enough of that. Dinner, for the birthday girl was homemade fried chicken, macaroni and cheese and broccoli and biscuits and jam. Cake was confetti with whipped cream and blueberries (I hate frosting except for ganache) and ice cream is "Party Cake". The topper was my brother's very inventive Destruction of America Sequence of Disasters that could probably happen.

First of all, Iran will assassinate the President. They will figure, "He's a Moslem, and will be a martyr", and so they will give him a present that will blow him up. Much celebrating in the Tolerant Quadrant of Hell will ensue.

The Tea Partiers will get the blame, which is to say, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and especially Ann Coulter will get the blame...and Sarah Palin. Beeyotch.

Riots and mayhem will force the government to crack down on the lawlessness and violence, and our military, already stretched to the breaking point in various theaters of war, will be unable to stop -
China, which covets our natural resources and sparsely populated areas, will bomb us, and it will be all over. We might as well start learning Mandarin.


Have a nice week, and Happy Easter - Hey, wait a minute! What the heck?


That's the symbol for KOSHER! Evil Joo Bastids! I knew it. Easter is a ZIONIST-RHINO-LINING conspiracy!

H/T: Elder of Zion

Update:  This might not mean not.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Conversation with Officer Sweater Shackleford

Although she is working somewhat in her field of graduation as an animator, who knew Lancaster had an animation studio, right? Not enough money in being an intern to pay for the college loans. So she is trying hard to find work doing anything else for legitimate money.

Not much, other than being an art model at the Art school. The creative juices are just flowing with this one. She's just BRIMMING with brainy ideas to keep herself occupied.

Word of advice: Always take your cellphone with you. Always. Then you won't have any trouble at all.

While my phone was napping on its charger, I was at work, actually doing something important, like making sticky buns and cheese bread, and about 25 pounds of smear....a messy process I won't describe here.

So what happens while I am at work and everyone else is supposed to be dead to the world?  Twin B discovers that my cellphone has received a text message at 2:30 in the morning. That can only mean one thing: URGENT! DEATH! DESTRUCTION! MAYHEM!...or else it was just a wrong number.

Guess which one. Go ahead, guess:


"Sweater, i realize it's late, but it's pete munroe. Would't (sic) have any bud or want to smoke it?"

That's right. A wrong number.

So Twin B, always so helpful around the house, and certainly no less helpful in this case responded on my behalf, bless her heart:


"Who the fuck is sweater and this is a cop."

He responds:


"Hey, sorry about that. I had a few too many, last night. Just an old friend. I guess he changed his number. Sorry again."

And 'sweater' responds, even more accommodatingly,


"Yeah. Just pulled your file up, too. Whenever it's a slow night, we'll come and pay you a visit."

And quickly thereafter,


"That's really not my deal. I've just had some recent stress. May I ask who this is?"

Officer Sweater:


"Officer Shackleford. Just get your stress figured out, son."

And finally, the penitent responds, with obsequious gratitude:


"I appreciate it. Once again, I'm really sorry. I'll delete this number."

Officer Sweater Shackleford:


"No worries. I've got yours, though. Take care."

She really should be working as a dispatch call person-thingy at 911, or something. She'd be really good at that.