Psst: The Barmecide Feast is much better tasting and is more filling. And much, much better for you.
Of course what is school lunch but a series of unfortunate leftovers? Boy, are you lucky! Now shuddup and eat your jell-o.
Put Prayer Back In the Closet, Please
(first published 2002)
In California, the sensitive are out of control. It has come to my attention that 7th graders there are now required to study Islam. I s'pose it is in order to better to get in touch with their inner-terrorists. Never mind that the pimply dears are already holy hormonal terrors at this age to begin with, now we want them to learn the ways of the Holy Warrior.
In Tampa, Florida, little 15-year-old Master Bishop must have learned his lessons in Islamic sensitivity class very well. He flew a stolen Cessna into a tall building and became shahid (martyred). Give that boy an A+! Unca Bin must be real proud!
Meanwhile, back in California, or Khalifornia, pardon the pun, the young jihad warriors are learning how to pray to Allah.in the public school, and nary a peep from the ACLU, whose sole mission is to purge all things deemed offensively Christian from the public school and football games, and anywhere there might be a baby Jesus in a hay trough.
I am not one of those protesters who want to bring back prayer into the public school. I am more radical than that. I strongly endorse playing hooky, so long as it isn't done on school property. Moslems require a lot to pray: a prayer rug, a compass which will tell them where the hell some dusty, lifeless rock in the middle of a barren wasteland is, and then they have to do this at least 5 times a day.
I tried to picture the Young Mujahid after a semester of Terrorism Sensitivity Training and here is what I came up with: Our Young Warrior is standing in the lunch line, and he is overcome by the need to pray...but alas! He has no place to throw down his prayer mat and beseech Allah, because if he gets out of line, he will miss out on the day's special: Cheese Zombies, and that is the only halal meal on the school menu. Let us listen in on our formative terrorist as he asks for Allah's will and guidance.
"Most merciful Allah, hear me, Thy lowly servant Ahmed, formerly known as Alex Johnson. Give me success, O Allah, when I light the fire-cracker under Brittany Moore's desk this afternoon, because she like, totally dissed your lowly servant big time when I asked her out, and laughed at me, and besides, she is SOOO like, infidel. Help me, O gracious Allah, when I mix the Pine-Sol and the bleach and thus make many infidels sick in the science room, especially Mr. Weiss, 'cause he is a Jew, and he wouldn't let your lowly servant do a makeup test after he gave me a totally unfair C- which was SO BOGUS, and most of all, Beneficent Lord of the Universe, let there be at least two Cheese Zombies for your hungry lowly worthless maggot, and please let the Jell-O be halal, and not have any weird curds and junk in it, most Merciful Allah, your servant Alex- uh, I mean Ahmed. Amin."
What could possibly be wrong with prayer in the public school, you ask? Need I go on?
Because you made it through the column without being unduly alarmed when reading the words "Cheese Zombies" I will reward you with a delicious recipe that can be enjoyed by both terrorist and terrorized alike:
2 loaves of frozen white bread dough, thawed and rolled into 2 rectangles, about 1/2 inch thick.
1 pound of sliced cheese, your choice, except for Brie, and that is because it is too damn expensive, it doesn't slice and it tastes yucky. Eeeeew. We prefer American cheese at our house. Yumm.
(Update: Support Freedom of Speech in Denmark by using Danish cheeses! Havarti RULES!)
Place cheese slices on one rolled out rectangle, onto which you have first spread garlic butter or Miracle Whip, if you like. Place the other rectangle on top and let rise till doubled in size. Brush melted butter on the top and sprinkle with Parmesan cheese and some Italian seasonings.
Bake in a 375 degree oven for 20 minutes or so, til it is golden brown. Cut into squares and serve with pizza sauce for dipping. Mmmm good! For desert, make orange Jell-O with shredded carrots. No weird junk, no curds, just wholesome goodness!