Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Dangers of Falling Asleep While Watching Television

My daughter Emily, was playing Skyrim, a video game of Vikings, of magic spells and dragons. The volume was  low enough not to bother me as I dozed. Behind my recliner, the fan was humming its beautiful white noise, and the breeze being sucked in was refreshing and cool enough to cause me to fall into a delicious nap. Which I promptly did. 

I began to dream a most realistic dream. In it. Emily had summoned all the dragons who lived beneath the seas, and they began to set the seas to boil, and all the creatures in the seas cooked, and when the dragons were done eating the whales and dolphins and the toasted sharks with jellyfish, they began to burn everything down.

I became very angry at Emily for letting the dragons out, but she, in my dream, was only three years old, and thought it was very great fun. The sounds of people being broiled alive didn’t seem to bother her at all. She just wanted to ‘pet the pretty horsies’.

And that is why you should never, ever, ever have anything but a fan blowing when you take a nap.

This has been your cautionary tale of the day.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Epic Meal Time

You see, this is why America is so futzed up and fat. I know, I know. I'm a hypocrite or something like that, but this...this is just...wrong.

In fact, it is the one trend I've noticed on the Food Network, The Cooking Channel, and a number of other stations that glorify gluttony. America is doomed. Enjoy the death spiral, infidels:

Garbage in, garbage out.

A New Fashion Statement: Grief Tats

Ostentatious vanity has been de rigueur in the last half of the 20th century, now going into the 21st. The age of circuses is here to stay for the time being and has found new venues to put up the tents. There is no modesty, nor is there privacy. There is no shame. Only show.

From the moment a baby is born, it's a show. If you have lots of babies on the same day, it's a series on TLC. Divorcing? There's a show for that. Dysfunctional, abusive parents? A show. Maybe several on different channels. You want to glorify gluttony? Sloth? Greed? Malignant Narcissism? All of the Seven Deadlies! There are shows for each and every one of them, and watching them will teach you the only virtue that there is left: Tolerance.

Why, they'll send out talent scouts to look for new celebrities to be in shows dedicated to every form of excess and perversity! There is nothing that can't be feted, promoted, sold and bought by the drooling masses. Even Death has a show. Consider Diana, Princess of Wales.

When Princess Diana died in 1997, grief as pornography came out. The handwritten letters, stuffed bears, photos and candles piled up outside of Buckingham Palace were tribute to a goddess who typified the ostentatious vanity and emptiness of our culture. The urgency of prayers uttered by the mob of hopeless worshipers to this sad and vacuous woman were obscene, and no matter where you turned your head to avert your gaze from the spectacle of Diana worship, there was no escaping it.  In death she became a kind of Christ, slain for the redemption of our sin against fashion and beauty. Even after the funeral, which was quite a show, indeed, the obscenity of Diana Death pornography in the book shops continued, with endless amounts of over sized, badly written photo books on display. She was as lucrative in death as she had been in life.

Perhaps, then, I am being heartless for noting the following tragedy that happened in Harrisburg, PA. 
A fire swept through a block of row houses, killing 5 people, 4 of them children. That's the tragic part of the story.  This, however, I cannot fathom. Watch. Wait for it, and try not to ask yourself: How much did she spend on this bit of grief pornography?

I won't call the fundraiser obscene, because that would be horribly intolerant, and that is the only sin left to commit.

Link Update: The original video of the mother appearing with her dead children's faces, names and date of death tattooed on her chest, at a benefit to raise money for the funeral expenses was removed. I haven't been able to find a replacement for it. I left the link as it appeared at the time. Going to the news'  site yielded no results when I searched for the video.